Here’s a list of all of the unpredictable things in my life right now:

-pretty much everything

I do like the idea of having a certain amount of control over my life. I like being able to tell myself that if I do something, the outcome will indubitably be the thing I was expecting. It’s why I read books, why I practice guitar, why I write. I know for a fact that I will forget all but a few fun facts from the book I just read, I will remain a mediocre guitar player, and some garbled form of English will appear on a page or computer screen. It’s reassuring.

Full disclosure: I have a dating app. I’m a little ashamed but I make myself feel better by telling myself I originally got it as a joke (that was two years ago, before I deleted and redownloaded it several times). The app itself is problematic in terms of my need for control, but that’s besides the point. When I read a guy’s bio, what I find a lot of is this: 6 ft +, went to so-and-so university, and loves adventure. They all love adventuring. Or at least 80% of them do. See, the problem is that when I first see that, my first thought is “alright, so he’s cool,” but then if I really thought about it, what would that mean if I were to go out and meet this strange man? Would we actually do adventurous things together? Does the word “adventurous” entail things like hiking and trying new foods or things like skydiving??

He would probably be disappointed to find that my idea of “adventurous” is the mere thought of meeting with strangers I met on the internet.

Actually, that’s not entirely true; I sometimes have random bouts of adventurousness. For my birthday last year, I treated myself to a trip to Dublin, Ireland… by myself. I was studying abroad in London, so the trip wasn’t too far or expensive, and I found a cheap Airbnb promising a similar level of quality to my freshman year dorm. This is not to say that I didn’t love the trip, but after being accosted by an extremely drunk (though very friendly) man throughout the overnight ferry ride there and catching a cold from wandering around in the late November wind and rain, I decided that I should take it easy with the adventuring.

(And really, I did absolutely love my trip to Ireland; I went on a literary pub crawl with a lovely group of people, I got to tour the Wicklow mountains with the sweetest, most knowledgeable tour guide I’d ever met, and despite my cold I drank a lot of Guinness. I’d go back and do it again in a heartbeat.)

I started this post out with the intention of letting you all know how very unadventurous I am, but at this point, I’d be lying. So here’s my self-discovery of the day: every once in a while, I like a little unpredictability. Example A: I’m not too upset that this post turned out to be the opposite of what I had originally thought out.



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